So you may be wondering why I have called this "Seattle She." Well, to tell you the truth, I do not live in Seattle and I am not from there. However, this is where I want to be. I have always believed in fate and destiny, in a way; and I believe that I will find my true calling, my true love, and my true happiness in Seattle. So follow me on this journey, and we will discover it together. Wow......that was really cheesy...sorry.
Okay, so about me. I am 20 years old and currently living in Iowa. I am the youngest of 6 kids in my family and we grew up just south of Iowa City in an old farm house. I went to a very small school and I was very active with school clubs/extra-curriculars. But lets take it back a little bit.
When I was about 8 months old my brother and I were in a car accident with our parents. Our car had collided with a truck and we crashed off a bridge into a river. My car seat was not buckled in and the window on my side of the car had shattered, so I had floated out the window and away from the car a little. Neither of my parents were wearing their seat belts and therefore they had died on impact. Luckily for us, there were some men in a fishing boat that had witnessed the accident and came over to help. They were able to get my brother and I safely out of the car and the water.
Now, my brother was just shy of 2 years old so thankfully we don't have any memory of our parents,
or the accident. My birth mother had an older brother who was more than willing to take us in. He and his wife adopted us and I couldn't be more thankful that they did! Now, back to where I left off.
My parents now, have a son of their own and my oldest brother, Sam. When Sam was about 2, my mom miscarried and was told she would never be able to have children again. This was really hard on her. She is the strongest, and most caring person that I know. With such a big heart and wanting nothing more than to be a mother, she and my dad decided to do foster care. In doing that, they fell in love with my 2 sisters, Megan and Mary, and my other brother, Leo. Then next was my bother Siege and I.
We had an interesting childhood, but I wouldn't trade it for anything!!! I loved growing up in a small country home with a big family. It definitely plays a part in making me who I am, today. Our lives weren't perfect though. We had a lot of problems, to be honest. My parents didn't get along too well, my oldest brother dropped out of college and joined the Air Force. However, he is now happily married with a daughter and a baby on the way. My oldest sister, Megan, got pregnant at 18 and ran away from home. My other sister, Mary, also joined the Air Force and married a sick pervert, they now have a son and are going through a divorce. My brother Leo got into trouble with drugs and spent 2 and 1/2 years in jail after having his first child. Now he is out, divorced, and has a daughter. Siege forged checks from a church and is living on probation. Then there's me. I have yet to do something extreme with my life, but I'm sure something will happen.
When I was 17 my parents divorced and my mom moved out of our house. My dad and I didn't have the best relationship, because as he got older, he stopped being involved in our lives. He would work, come home, watch TV and then go to bed. That was about it. It was really difficult for us to adjust to that lifestyle.
But, after about 4 years of it, we just quit asking him to join us in our events/activities.
So after my mom left, I really didn't know what to do. For years it was just me and her. We would lay in bed before we went to sleep, and just talk. She would always come to my sporting events, dance recitals, plays, concerts, art shows; really anything that I was involved with. She never missed anything! I honestly think it was just a way to get her out of the house and away from my dad, but she enjoyed seeing us succeed in whatever we were involved in. But when it was just dad and I at home, we didn't really have much to talk about. I was playing softball, and every now and then he would come to a game, or try to help me out. But other than that....nothing. Just awkward silence or fake conversations. Eventually he got really into racing Go-Karts, so I joined him in his events to try and strengthen/develop a bond. Luckily, it worked out, for a while. We suddenly had something to talk about. I loved racing with him, and I was actually pretty good at it.
Things got a little better and it was time for me to head to college. I chose a private school about an hour and 1/2 west of home. I instantly fell in love with the college atmosphere. I met great friends and got involved in some great activities like, Dance Team, Art Club, Theater, and the school paper. I loved it there! But there was one problem, it was REALLY expensive.
During the divorce drama my dad had decided he didn't want to pay for any of my schooling. So my mom, owning and working her own company, was the only one paying for my school. At about $20,000 a year after scholarships, it was difficult to make it by. So after careful consideration, and some outside
influence that will be discussed on another page, I made the decision to transfer schools. As difficult as this decision was for me, I now know that it
was the right one. I absolutely love where I am and I wouldn't want it any other way.
My new school offered me GREAT scholarships for academics and dance, which is something I didn't have at my other school. There is a huge department specifically for my major and I am getting some amazing experiences and learning so much more than I would've imagined at the old school. So now I am here, and I am enjoying every minute of it. But it definitely hasn't been an easy journey.
When I was about 8 months old my brother and I were in a car accident with our parents. Our car had collided with a truck and we crashed off a bridge into a river. My car seat was not buckled in and the window on my side of the car had shattered, so I had floated out the window and away from the car a little. Neither of my parents were wearing their seat belts and therefore they had died on impact. Luckily for us, there were some men in a fishing boat that had witnessed the accident and came over to help. They were able to get my brother and I safely out of the car and the water.
Now, my brother was just shy of 2 years old so thankfully we don't have any memory of our parents,
or the accident. My birth mother had an older brother who was more than willing to take us in. He and his wife adopted us and I couldn't be more thankful that they did! Now, back to where I left off.
My parents now, have a son of their own and my oldest brother, Sam. When Sam was about 2, my mom miscarried and was told she would never be able to have children again. This was really hard on her. She is the strongest, and most caring person that I know. With such a big heart and wanting nothing more than to be a mother, she and my dad decided to do foster care. In doing that, they fell in love with my 2 sisters, Megan and Mary, and my other brother, Leo. Then next was my bother Siege and I.
We had an interesting childhood, but I wouldn't trade it for anything!!! I loved growing up in a small country home with a big family. It definitely plays a part in making me who I am, today. Our lives weren't perfect though. We had a lot of problems, to be honest. My parents didn't get along too well, my oldest brother dropped out of college and joined the Air Force. However, he is now happily married with a daughter and a baby on the way. My oldest sister, Megan, got pregnant at 18 and ran away from home. My other sister, Mary, also joined the Air Force and married a sick pervert, they now have a son and are going through a divorce. My brother Leo got into trouble with drugs and spent 2 and 1/2 years in jail after having his first child. Now he is out, divorced, and has a daughter. Siege forged checks from a church and is living on probation. Then there's me. I have yet to do something extreme with my life, but I'm sure something will happen.
When I was 17 my parents divorced and my mom moved out of our house. My dad and I didn't have the best relationship, because as he got older, he stopped being involved in our lives. He would work, come home, watch TV and then go to bed. That was about it. It was really difficult for us to adjust to that lifestyle.
But, after about 4 years of it, we just quit asking him to join us in our events/activities.
So after my mom left, I really didn't know what to do. For years it was just me and her. We would lay in bed before we went to sleep, and just talk. She would always come to my sporting events, dance recitals, plays, concerts, art shows; really anything that I was involved with. She never missed anything! I honestly think it was just a way to get her out of the house and away from my dad, but she enjoyed seeing us succeed in whatever we were involved in. But when it was just dad and I at home, we didn't really have much to talk about. I was playing softball, and every now and then he would come to a game, or try to help me out. But other than that....nothing. Just awkward silence or fake conversations. Eventually he got really into racing Go-Karts, so I joined him in his events to try and strengthen/develop a bond. Luckily, it worked out, for a while. We suddenly had something to talk about. I loved racing with him, and I was actually pretty good at it.
Things got a little better and it was time for me to head to college. I chose a private school about an hour and 1/2 west of home. I instantly fell in love with the college atmosphere. I met great friends and got involved in some great activities like, Dance Team, Art Club, Theater, and the school paper. I loved it there! But there was one problem, it was REALLY expensive.
During the divorce drama my dad had decided he didn't want to pay for any of my schooling. So my mom, owning and working her own company, was the only one paying for my school. At about $20,000 a year after scholarships, it was difficult to make it by. So after careful consideration, and some outside
influence that will be discussed on another page, I made the decision to transfer schools. As difficult as this decision was for me, I now know that it
was the right one. I absolutely love where I am and I wouldn't want it any other way.
My new school offered me GREAT scholarships for academics and dance, which is something I didn't have at my other school. There is a huge department specifically for my major and I am getting some amazing experiences and learning so much more than I would've imagined at the old school. So now I am here, and I am enjoying every minute of it. But it definitely hasn't been an easy journey.
Okay, I think it’s time to tell you about the moment. The moment that I didn’t know at the time, would be the best thing that happened to me.
During my first year of College I met a boy, Mitch. Notice that I said boy, not man. Yes Mitch was a boy. I was a freshman and he was a senior but that
didn’t stop us from falling into the biggest mistake of our lives. Mitch wasn’t like most guys that I had been with before. He wasn’t the most attractive guy,
but he was descent. He had charm and a unique sense of humor that drew me to him.
When we first met, things were a little rocky and some red flags showed up. But, like most young and naïve girls, I ignored them. When we began to see
each other things were fine, sweet, new, and exciting. He played baseball and I was on the Dance Team. I felt like it was straight out of a movie. He would come
over to my room late at night and we would fall asleep in each other’s arms.
That was it. I had fallen completely and undeniably in love with this boy. In love to the point where I began spending all my time with him and
ignoring my friends. Stupid, I know. I began slacking in school, but I didn’t care, because at the end of the day, he was all that mattered to me.
I had been in love before, but not like this. This was a whole new level. At that time, we completely understood each other. We got along great and we could tell each other everything…or so I thought.
When I first met his family I like them. However, they were very different from me and my family. He grew up with a lot of money and nice things.
He always got what he wanted and his family was very judgmental of everyone and everything. The kind of people who thought they were better than everyone. Not saying there is anything wrong with that, people are who they are. But, I am the complete opposite.
I grew up in a small farm house where we learned to make the most of what we had. We shopped at consignment stores and garage sales. My mother, being
as kind-hearted as she is, raised our family to be very open-minded and accepting of everyone and everything. We are very down to earth people and being
with Mitch’s family was definitely the most difficult thing for me to tolerate in our relationship. But I was willing to take the good with the bad. So I accepted them for who they were and moved on from it.
Things in our relationship weren’t always perfect. There were times when I felt he didn’t care or put me first when he should have. Times when he blew me off and argued with because he was too prideful to be ever be wrong. So I just let it all go, because I would rather swallow my pride than argue with him.
When school ended we didn’t know what to do. He wanted to move into the city and I wanted to go home. But he begged and begged me to move in with him. I wasn’t ready, but I didn’t want to lose him. So I moved in. That was the biggest mistake of all.
Things were fine at first. I had a job working at a clothing store, he was between jobs trying to find one he fit in and didn’t get fired from. I felt he took his job issues out on me sometimes; however I did my best to be supportive and as helpful as possible.
Suddenly things started to change. He treated me differently, and I became irritated and anxious all the time. I had never lived in or near the city before, so it was a hard adjustment for me. I had no family or friends around. All I had was him. So I would get up, go to work, and come home to sleep and repeat. Being as outgoing as I am, it was very difficult to be cooped up all summer, and I definitely took that out on him. Something I do regret and feel terribly about, but I tried to leave and I just couldn’t.
He would go out with his buds and I would stay home with my dog. Thank God for her. Every now and then it was okay, but three nights in a row without
warning is where I got irritated. We began fighting all the time and I would get so angry. Times I would leave crying or threatening to move out. There were
times when he would storm out or yell at me telling me to leave. But somehow, we always found a way back to each other. That’s how I thought it was supposed to be. Apparently it wasn’t what I thought.
Things became very fake between us. We didn’t talk about much because we couldn’t get through topics without fighting. Just when I thought we were starting to see the other side of our rough patch it was time for school to start. At about 10 months into our relationship I was headed back to school.
Now if you remember, I had transferred schools for this school year. I chose a school that was convenient for me and my family and that was also close to him. We were 15 minutes apart and still able to spend every night together. However, something had gone horribly wrong.
After my first week of school we got into a huge fight. I was working late and he was having some guy friends over at the apartment. At least, that’s what he told me he was doing. When I stopped by after work on my way back to school, I was surprised to see a full house party with half naked girls all over the place. Imagine how angry I was. I stormed out and left. I received a text message later that night saying he wanted to break up. Imagine that. Having a party with a bunch of girls and he suddenly wants to be single.
I blew it off because I was out with my girlfriends and I didn’t want to deal with it. I couldn’t sleep at all that night so I got up early and drove over there the next day. When I walk in the apartment I can hear talking and giggling coming from the bedroom.
I walked in to see Mitch lying in the middle of three half-naked girls.....and they were talking about me…….
My heart dropped. I froze. I was in shock. Just like that my vision of him and everything about us had changed. I didn’t yell or scream or throw anything I simply said, “Mitch, can I talk to you?” and his response to me was, “No. You can’t.”
That was it. A stab to my heart. I watched him lay there like a bachelor man whore would, and he completely disrespected me in front of them like I didn’t mean shit to him. I was so hurt. They guy I had buried my soul to completely ripped my heart out without any care. A part of me died in that moment. My confidence, my spirit, my hope, my desire to love and be loved, was just gone.
I left. I went outside got in my car and began to leave. He followed me out and fed me some bullshit about how “nothing happened” and “they came in, in
the morning.” I didn’t buy any of it. We fought; I cried, he was cold and bitter. So we broke it off. I left. I drove home and sat on my couch for the next 4 days. I couldn’t sleep, eat, or even move. I didn’t have any energy or hope for my life after that point.
We spent the next 4 days texting and trying to figure out what happened. When I got back I wrote him a letter saying goodbye. Then just like that, he asked to see me. He wanted me back. I was stupid and still in love, so I let him. Guess what that did? Boost his ego. Some big badass he was. Can get the girls at a party and still keep his girlfriend.
We had so many problems after that however. Every time I tried to ask him about that night, his story would change and he would get irritated and lie.
I knew he was, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I was willing to forgive, but he wasn’t willing to help me. He just expected me to forget and
move on, without ever talking about it again. I couldn’t do it.
He began trying really hard and I began noticing. He would do romantic things he had never done before. Light candles, cook dinner, buy me flowers, and
oh yes, he even bought me a ring. I knew in that moment that he had lied and cheated. That now he was trying to make up for it.
The next morning I got on his computer to do homework. Surprised to see I was no longer the background on his desktop, I opened the web browser. His
Facebook page was the first to pop up. I was so lucky to see messages from him to his ex-girlfriend asking for her number and to meet and catch up. I sent him a text message of what I saw and said goodbye. I began to pack all my things and leave.
Suddenly he showed up at the door asking me to stay, saying how sorry he is and how he shouldn’t have lied. I told him I didn’t know what to do and I needed time. I left him crying and alone.
He came over later trying to piece everything together. I was willing to give him another chance and I don’t know why. I’m such an idiot. I regret not walking then. But I couldn’t. As badly as I wanted to and how much I cried and prayed that God would help me find the strength to walk away. But I couldn’t.
I never I would be one of those girls. But, you never know until you’re in that situation. It was all the history and the memories that we had that I didn’t want to let go of. Only thing is, they were memories, of when I was happy and he was a different person. But that want who he really was.
We broke up for good. I drove over to his place, grabbed my things and left. At 2am I drove home and set back into my depressed state. Only this time it was much worse. We didn’t speak at all. After a few therapy sessions, I emailed him. We had exchanged some emails and I had said exactly what I wanted
to. I was brutally honest and I didn’t hold back, but I meant every word. I don’t regret anything that was said. To no surprise, he didn’t respond.
Over the next few weeks I heard lots of stories about him doing sketchy things both before, during, and after we broke up. He was pretending all along. Playing me while he was enjoying other girls’ attention on the side. I ask myself every day, “How could I be so stupid?!” But there was no way I could’ve known.
It hurts to think someone I cared so much about, didn’t give a shit about me. It hurts to think that he could hurt me so bad and watch me fall apart, and not even care. Mentally, I was so messed up. Honestly, I’m still not back to my normal self, and I don’t know that I ever will be.
I am bitter, scared, guarded, and untrusting toward everyone in my life. I don’t get high hopes for things because I don’t believe they will come through. I have adjusted to being on my own and I have learned to love and accept it. There are great guys that are interested and I can’t even look at them with respect.
It’s been 3 months now, since I’ve seen or heard from Mitch, but I still think about him every day. I still cry all the time. I go on dates and I “see” other people and I kiss and play, but I’m just going through the motions. I don’t enjoy it. I don’t think it will go anywhere. I always wind up ashamed of myself than happy with my decisions.
I push away anyone that could possibly get close to me, and I don’t know how to change it.
I’m slowly finding myself more and more everyday and I try hard to move on and forget Mitch and all that happened. But I was traumatized, and something
like that doesn’t go away so easily.
My heart is still sore and cracked. I’m still sad about how everything happened and ended and I never would’ve thought it would’ve happened that way. But it did, and now I have to find what I want, and what I truly need for my life.
Part of me thinks I will never fully fall in love again. I feel that, that part of my life is over. I know I’m only 19, but I can’t deny my feelings about this. I used to believe so strongly in fate and true love/soul mates and now I’m not so sure.
I do however; have a good feeling about Seattle. I know there is something for me there, and I know he’s out there. I just think it will be a long while before we find each other. But a part of me will always be afraid that they guy and the love that I dream of doesn’t truly exist and I will have to settle for something else.
During my first year of College I met a boy, Mitch. Notice that I said boy, not man. Yes Mitch was a boy. I was a freshman and he was a senior but that
didn’t stop us from falling into the biggest mistake of our lives. Mitch wasn’t like most guys that I had been with before. He wasn’t the most attractive guy,
but he was descent. He had charm and a unique sense of humor that drew me to him.
When we first met, things were a little rocky and some red flags showed up. But, like most young and naïve girls, I ignored them. When we began to see
each other things were fine, sweet, new, and exciting. He played baseball and I was on the Dance Team. I felt like it was straight out of a movie. He would come
over to my room late at night and we would fall asleep in each other’s arms.
That was it. I had fallen completely and undeniably in love with this boy. In love to the point where I began spending all my time with him and
ignoring my friends. Stupid, I know. I began slacking in school, but I didn’t care, because at the end of the day, he was all that mattered to me.
I had been in love before, but not like this. This was a whole new level. At that time, we completely understood each other. We got along great and we could tell each other everything…or so I thought.
When I first met his family I like them. However, they were very different from me and my family. He grew up with a lot of money and nice things.
He always got what he wanted and his family was very judgmental of everyone and everything. The kind of people who thought they were better than everyone. Not saying there is anything wrong with that, people are who they are. But, I am the complete opposite.
I grew up in a small farm house where we learned to make the most of what we had. We shopped at consignment stores and garage sales. My mother, being
as kind-hearted as she is, raised our family to be very open-minded and accepting of everyone and everything. We are very down to earth people and being
with Mitch’s family was definitely the most difficult thing for me to tolerate in our relationship. But I was willing to take the good with the bad. So I accepted them for who they were and moved on from it.
Things in our relationship weren’t always perfect. There were times when I felt he didn’t care or put me first when he should have. Times when he blew me off and argued with because he was too prideful to be ever be wrong. So I just let it all go, because I would rather swallow my pride than argue with him.
When school ended we didn’t know what to do. He wanted to move into the city and I wanted to go home. But he begged and begged me to move in with him. I wasn’t ready, but I didn’t want to lose him. So I moved in. That was the biggest mistake of all.
Things were fine at first. I had a job working at a clothing store, he was between jobs trying to find one he fit in and didn’t get fired from. I felt he took his job issues out on me sometimes; however I did my best to be supportive and as helpful as possible.
Suddenly things started to change. He treated me differently, and I became irritated and anxious all the time. I had never lived in or near the city before, so it was a hard adjustment for me. I had no family or friends around. All I had was him. So I would get up, go to work, and come home to sleep and repeat. Being as outgoing as I am, it was very difficult to be cooped up all summer, and I definitely took that out on him. Something I do regret and feel terribly about, but I tried to leave and I just couldn’t.
He would go out with his buds and I would stay home with my dog. Thank God for her. Every now and then it was okay, but three nights in a row without
warning is where I got irritated. We began fighting all the time and I would get so angry. Times I would leave crying or threatening to move out. There were
times when he would storm out or yell at me telling me to leave. But somehow, we always found a way back to each other. That’s how I thought it was supposed to be. Apparently it wasn’t what I thought.
Things became very fake between us. We didn’t talk about much because we couldn’t get through topics without fighting. Just when I thought we were starting to see the other side of our rough patch it was time for school to start. At about 10 months into our relationship I was headed back to school.
Now if you remember, I had transferred schools for this school year. I chose a school that was convenient for me and my family and that was also close to him. We were 15 minutes apart and still able to spend every night together. However, something had gone horribly wrong.
After my first week of school we got into a huge fight. I was working late and he was having some guy friends over at the apartment. At least, that’s what he told me he was doing. When I stopped by after work on my way back to school, I was surprised to see a full house party with half naked girls all over the place. Imagine how angry I was. I stormed out and left. I received a text message later that night saying he wanted to break up. Imagine that. Having a party with a bunch of girls and he suddenly wants to be single.
I blew it off because I was out with my girlfriends and I didn’t want to deal with it. I couldn’t sleep at all that night so I got up early and drove over there the next day. When I walk in the apartment I can hear talking and giggling coming from the bedroom.
I walked in to see Mitch lying in the middle of three half-naked girls.....and they were talking about me…….
My heart dropped. I froze. I was in shock. Just like that my vision of him and everything about us had changed. I didn’t yell or scream or throw anything I simply said, “Mitch, can I talk to you?” and his response to me was, “No. You can’t.”
That was it. A stab to my heart. I watched him lay there like a bachelor man whore would, and he completely disrespected me in front of them like I didn’t mean shit to him. I was so hurt. They guy I had buried my soul to completely ripped my heart out without any care. A part of me died in that moment. My confidence, my spirit, my hope, my desire to love and be loved, was just gone.
I left. I went outside got in my car and began to leave. He followed me out and fed me some bullshit about how “nothing happened” and “they came in, in
the morning.” I didn’t buy any of it. We fought; I cried, he was cold and bitter. So we broke it off. I left. I drove home and sat on my couch for the next 4 days. I couldn’t sleep, eat, or even move. I didn’t have any energy or hope for my life after that point.
We spent the next 4 days texting and trying to figure out what happened. When I got back I wrote him a letter saying goodbye. Then just like that, he asked to see me. He wanted me back. I was stupid and still in love, so I let him. Guess what that did? Boost his ego. Some big badass he was. Can get the girls at a party and still keep his girlfriend.
We had so many problems after that however. Every time I tried to ask him about that night, his story would change and he would get irritated and lie.
I knew he was, but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I was willing to forgive, but he wasn’t willing to help me. He just expected me to forget and
move on, without ever talking about it again. I couldn’t do it.
He began trying really hard and I began noticing. He would do romantic things he had never done before. Light candles, cook dinner, buy me flowers, and
oh yes, he even bought me a ring. I knew in that moment that he had lied and cheated. That now he was trying to make up for it.
The next morning I got on his computer to do homework. Surprised to see I was no longer the background on his desktop, I opened the web browser. His
Facebook page was the first to pop up. I was so lucky to see messages from him to his ex-girlfriend asking for her number and to meet and catch up. I sent him a text message of what I saw and said goodbye. I began to pack all my things and leave.
Suddenly he showed up at the door asking me to stay, saying how sorry he is and how he shouldn’t have lied. I told him I didn’t know what to do and I needed time. I left him crying and alone.
He came over later trying to piece everything together. I was willing to give him another chance and I don’t know why. I’m such an idiot. I regret not walking then. But I couldn’t. As badly as I wanted to and how much I cried and prayed that God would help me find the strength to walk away. But I couldn’t.
I never I would be one of those girls. But, you never know until you’re in that situation. It was all the history and the memories that we had that I didn’t want to let go of. Only thing is, they were memories, of when I was happy and he was a different person. But that want who he really was.
We broke up for good. I drove over to his place, grabbed my things and left. At 2am I drove home and set back into my depressed state. Only this time it was much worse. We didn’t speak at all. After a few therapy sessions, I emailed him. We had exchanged some emails and I had said exactly what I wanted
to. I was brutally honest and I didn’t hold back, but I meant every word. I don’t regret anything that was said. To no surprise, he didn’t respond.
Over the next few weeks I heard lots of stories about him doing sketchy things both before, during, and after we broke up. He was pretending all along. Playing me while he was enjoying other girls’ attention on the side. I ask myself every day, “How could I be so stupid?!” But there was no way I could’ve known.
It hurts to think someone I cared so much about, didn’t give a shit about me. It hurts to think that he could hurt me so bad and watch me fall apart, and not even care. Mentally, I was so messed up. Honestly, I’m still not back to my normal self, and I don’t know that I ever will be.
I am bitter, scared, guarded, and untrusting toward everyone in my life. I don’t get high hopes for things because I don’t believe they will come through. I have adjusted to being on my own and I have learned to love and accept it. There are great guys that are interested and I can’t even look at them with respect.
It’s been 3 months now, since I’ve seen or heard from Mitch, but I still think about him every day. I still cry all the time. I go on dates and I “see” other people and I kiss and play, but I’m just going through the motions. I don’t enjoy it. I don’t think it will go anywhere. I always wind up ashamed of myself than happy with my decisions.
I push away anyone that could possibly get close to me, and I don’t know how to change it.
I’m slowly finding myself more and more everyday and I try hard to move on and forget Mitch and all that happened. But I was traumatized, and something
like that doesn’t go away so easily.
My heart is still sore and cracked. I’m still sad about how everything happened and ended and I never would’ve thought it would’ve happened that way. But it did, and now I have to find what I want, and what I truly need for my life.
Part of me thinks I will never fully fall in love again. I feel that, that part of my life is over. I know I’m only 19, but I can’t deny my feelings about this. I used to believe so strongly in fate and true love/soul mates and now I’m not so sure.
I do however; have a good feeling about Seattle. I know there is something for me there, and I know he’s out there. I just think it will be a long while before we find each other. But a part of me will always be afraid that they guy and the love that I dream of doesn’t truly exist and I will have to settle for something else.